Lingering Scar

The 30^th November of the year 2008 was one of my worst days and I have had many of those this cursed year. The dream and hope I’d been nursing for 4 years went down the drain.

Lingering Scar, the embodiment of all the qualities intellectual, physical or otherwise I desire in a female finally put a stop to my day dreaming.

She doesn’t want me.

Actually she still wants me though not the way I want her; she doesn’t love me. And I worship the ground she walks on. How ironic.

How ironic can life get. Couldn’t I just love her with this monstrosity of a love and couldn’t that be enough? My love supersedes anything; any emotion I’ve ever had for a human being (over-exaggerated, I know, but it can pass) Let that be enough.

What I am trying to say is, for me to give up what I feel and have cultivated for almost half a decade is like asking me to give up breathing; you’re asking mine to die. Not so soon. Maybe I’ll love her for as long as I live, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll love again, maybe I won’t. I don’t set about trying t find solutions to every problem and question in life. This is just my first love.

I honed my gift in writing and poetry not so I impress her or line her. She likes poetry and I like poetry. Let that be enough. On the other hand, I wish not my poetry be something she liked and something I wrote but something we shared, our thing.

Before the situation could sink in, I begged and coaxed and threatened and pleaded. I claimed my undying love to no avail. I swelled with rage and paced with anxiety, and deflated with defeat.  And she acted calm as the sea through it all: God! How I love her.

She doesn’t love me.

Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t maybe I’m wrong and she isn’t what I make her out to be. Who cares! I relish the ignorance. True love? Fallacy? Infatuation? Look at it your way. It won’t modify what I feel in any way. Maybe I know that it’s over.

I am torn to think that someone else is loving her. That someone else is ogling her with lust and I who stripped off her surface and peeped into her inside, I am here. Alone, this minute wondering why the hell we don’t always get what we want in life. She asked me this one time, She asked me this:

“Why don’t we always get what we want in life?” she wants me. I want her. The chemistry is right, the compatibility is perfect; the genetics are suspect but what the hell. If every word I wrote was to win her over, I’d write them all. Without her, I feel ruptured, incomplete; an umbilical cord has been torn from me. My thoughts are scattered in a million ways but yet all crowd together when I think about her.

I still get goose bumps like a plucked chicken when I remember her ways: the way she calls my name, the way she guffaws when she’s amused and slightly embarrassed by something I said; the way she writes in that ugly, cute handwriting. The way she double-writes my name. ..I am lost for words. She’s perfect to me. Perfect for me/

To imagine that I lose her at such a time when I need her the most is most cruel. I could wait for her I know, but what If I wait in vain? What if I put ideas in my mind that she’s The ONE and she isn’t. Wouldn’t I miss hooking up with my one true love? What if Scar is the ONE and I need only to try harder if we are to go places?

So many questions and very few answers in this part-tribute, part-reflection, part-memory. I pray karma is kinder on me.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE…IN SUPPORT OF HOMOSEXUALITY…

Last month, France became the 14^th country worldwide to legalize gay marriage. The bill was passed into law by the French president Francois Holland amid fierce debate and widespread demonstrations.  Thereafter, Wedding Planners got busy planning the first legal gay marriages for same-sex love-birds all across France. Another victory for Gay Pride.

Traditionally, marriage has been a reserve of opposite sexes.  Christian marriages of recent have become so mainstream; every girl wants a Christian wedding, with a white frock and a man of God to sanctify the union.  

The thing is, Christian weddings follow an ideology; marriage between a man and a woman in the presence of God and bla bla bla. A marriage between a man and a man or a woman and a woman violate that one ingredient that makes for a traditional Christian wedding and therefore disqualifies them as such.

In Africa, before the contamination of Europeans and their alien religious beliefs, marriage was a simple affair; an affair between the man’s family and the girl’s family.  There wasn’t as much fanfare as we see these days. You love the girl, she accepts you, you get a middle-man to broker the deal and it’s done!

These days marriages and weddings are all about show. Where is the heart? Why do I need the world to know my private affairs? Am I marrying for them?

Why a gay marriage that aims to imitate Christian values yet the very act of homosexuality is taboo in most churches? Why is it so important to have a marriage that half the world will look at with scorn? You love her, she loves you.  If your insecurity is at such an extent that you need to sign some documents to validate it, by all means, go to a judge and get civil wedding.

Why is it that important to broadcast your own private affairs?

In my opinion, the gay issue has been so badly handled that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Homosexuality is being shoved down our throats in bucket-loads. What’s the rush let me ask? It took only a couple of hundred years for black people to be accepted as full human beings and not the sub-human creatures Caucasians thought we were.  We didn’t come to your countries and force to be accepted; you took us there!  We knew who we were and were not ashamed of it. We didn’t try to force our skin-color and customs down your throats.

Why is homosexuality so vocal! It’s simply a sexual orientation! Get over it.

Do you need to be backed by western governments and multinational corporations? Do you need to promote your orientation so aggressively like it’s Coca-Cola? Thing is, I don’t even like Coca-Cola; it’s all in my face! You don’t allow us time to come to an honest decision as to whether we like it or don’t.

I am positive homosexuality has been present in Africa for a while. Africans tend to be rather reserved. I could say the same for the Arabs and a good number of Asians. Whatever a person is in private has nothing to do with his outward appearance.  We don’t need to broadcast things like that.

The average African doesn’t kiss in public. Family fights and disagreements are left at the doorstep.  Not that people don’t know- we are rather a communal people.

Why then is homosexuality such a big issue? I frankly don’t care if my best friend is gay. It’s a private thing. They don’t have to rub it in my face and go to the streets to campaign for ‘gay rights.’ They don’t have to support ‘gay causes’ whatever those are even.  When I think of Homosexuality, I don’t see it as normal behavior, but rather as an extremist movement. Like the Ku Klux Klan. Or the Illuminati. It doesn’t settle well with me.

In high school I heard stories of ‘White People’ who were doling out money to anyone who claimed they were gay and were being persecuted.  Imagine a situation where the average African struggles to feed himself and he hears of such stories; Boom! Instant Homosexual!  I also heard of underage kids indoctrinated into being homosexual with promises of money and sponsorship to schools abroad. That, my friend, is not how to make me accept a sexual orientation.

Can’t homosexuality simply be a thing between lovers; something whispered by shy lovers to themselves. Heterosexuality is normally that way this side of the world at least. A public display of affection of an orientation that is trying to gain worldwide acceptance doesn’t make me feel okay. Can’t it be a subtle movement that first proves to the world that it doesn’t mean any harm? I feel threatened here!

Homosexuality is rather coming off as a hostile take-over.  I wish it could be personified and given an everyday voice. Maybe then would I start believing that my age-old customs and traditions are not under threat.

Or is this just another front for the ‘White Man?’ After Christianity came Colonization with all its evils.  I am now wondering whether this too isn’t another front of something far worse than what the Western World did to us hundreds of years ago. I am wondering…

The Crux of the Matter

The crux of the matter

Bury yourself in books and rediscover yourself. Read and unlock the knowledge that will shape the course of your life.

Forget. Important. Forget the past for it is now history. It’s played its part so now let it rest. It made you something else but what of it? It molded you into what you are, so don’t abuse your history.

Look at life with a new pair of eyes. Observe and Remember. This is vital for your survival. Memory alone is the basis of intelligence. Take longer at reading; take longer at feeling; work harder in life. Your time will come and then you will know I was showing you the way. The Only Way.

Pain is temporary; relish it. Physical pain is easier on your psyche  than emotional pain. Take it all in good faith. Your heart will heal if only you give it time. Time is a great healer, but the greatest yet is YOU.

Every breath you take is not coincidence. Every new discovery is a link in the chain you need to follow so you may attain the highest level of awareness of things unfolding around you.

Believe in fate. You shall only die when your time has come, no more, no less. Keep that in mind. Let the happenings in your life not surprise you; be prepared. Always

Get time off sometime. Go away to someplace safe; someplace empty, where the wind will blow against your face. Take a deep breath and release all that pent up tension; that headache short-circuiting your thought process. I know that human beings can be tiring creatures. So you need time off to recharge your batteries of cool-headedness. You need time off.

Hadn’t you a body, you’d only be a bundle of nerves of negativity life has always been hard on you. You question me, “Why am I this way?” and to that I have no reply.

You are no stranger to pain, hurt, solitude, breakdown, weakness… Play for time. The moment is yet to come and your experiences which you have now made instinct and intuition will guide your life until you take your last breath. Play for time.

“What of me?” you ask. Yes, what of you? Have I only made you a misfit among your peers? You think it’s for my own selfish amusement? No. You’re not worth your peers. You are unique as every other human being drawing breath as we speak. Don’t change, make friends. Take life easy.

And then the other thing. About that; it takes patience; it takes practice and it takes guts. Don’t be too severe on yourself. It happens to the best of us. Look inside of yourself for that extra oomph that will propel you to greater heights. There’s that element in you that supersedes all the other flaws you obviously have. Let not life take that away from you. Don’t waver. The negativity around you won’t kill you but rather make you stronger. Take heart. I got your back.

For that final kick; those clouded eyes can see what others can’t. Use that.  See the love in the air. Share some of it. DREAM. Love yourself first and then share the love.

Very important; DREAM.  The realm of dreams is akin to spirituality. Move at your pace. Do what you feel is right. Shape your character from reflection and dreams. You were made to last.

I haven’t given you much; just enough to ease you into your journey in the unknown. You love philosophy. Heed my advice. Take one step at a time. Cut your losses and count your blessings. Repackage yourself. What you are on the outside reflects what you are on the inside. Look around you for ideas. Love nature for it inspires you. You were made to be an achiever of unbelievable feats. All you have to do is…BELIEVE.